Learn more about conscientious objector status, from the Selective Service System.

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What a soldier leaves behind while on duty

Nick Wagener is one of several troops to receive a stop-loss order. (Photo by Steve Wagener)

When Cindy Stockdill said, “I do,” she said yes not only to the man she loves, but to the country he serves.

 “The military is not a job,” said Stockdill, a military wife and mother. “It is a lifestyle and families have to adjust.”

 The United States military is calling soldiers to duty and shipping them around the world, resulting in many of these men and women making sacrifices for their country.  While soldiers get the glory and the accolades, their families are subjected to hardships far different than most people will ever encounter.

 Military families adjust and cope with emotional issues and safety concerns on an everyday basis, some experts say.  A soldier’s family responsibilities are disrupted as a result of serving in the Armed Forces.  The people they leave behind often have to shoulder the responsibility alone, which is an element that factors into divorce, officials say.

 When called to duty, members of the National Guard and the Army Reserves leave jobs, and according to some officials, may experience a change in their pay rate, which can be either beneficial or harmful depending upon a family’s situation.  Active duty officers experience fewer financial adjustments, but their families are often required to move.  

 Steve Wagener made a deal with his son to match whatever amount of money his son could raise for college.  Nick Wagener wouldn’t need as much help from his father as once thought because he found an alternative. 

 In January of 2001, Nick Wagener signed up for the Army in order to take advantage of the GI bill that pays for a soldier’s education once they have served their time.  The Army seemed like a nice alternative to someone who hadn’t really held a good job and wasn’t sure whether he wanted to go to college, but this was before September 11.

 “I was surprised when he signed up because he didn’t seem like the military type,” said Steve Wagener, Nick’s father.  “But I supported his decision.”

 His son was stationed in Kosovo participating in the build-up for the war in Iraq.  Shortly after being stationed there, he began sharing his father’s view of the war.

 “Nick was fired up in Kosovo, but after a while he started asking me questions about Vietnam,” Wagener said.  “Around October or November of 2002, he didn’t believe in the war but felt he needed to be over there to protect his fellow troops.”

 Following his stint in Kosovo, his son relocated to one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces doing radio surveillance.  As time passed, Nick Wagener continually had to take orders in direct conflict with his beliefs. He filed for conscientious objector status.  This meant that he felt he could no longer perform his duties and no longer wanted to help in military action against the enemy, according to the Selective Service System, a government agency that finds conscientious objectors some type of alternative to their current job or mission.

 “It was difficult to know that Nick had to do things that he did not believe in, but I still supported him 100 percent,” Wagener said.  “My brother was in the Marines and told me to stay out, but if I could, I would switch places with Nick.”

 As a result of filing for conscientious objector status, the Army placed him on restricted duty.  His father wrote to Sen. Russ Feingold hoping to help his son.  Shortly after the letter, his son was congressionally reassigned to radio surveillance, but was not granted the status the Wagener’s were hoping for.

 In November of 2003, Nick Wagener began to pack his things because his three-year term was over on Jan. 5, 2004.  Then his commanding officer told him to stop packing because he had been issued a stop-loss order, which is a short-term policy that stabilizes military personnel in their current assignment by preventing them from leaving at the end of their service and is expected to affect about 7,000 active duty members, according to the U.S. Department of Defense.

 “A family’s expectations regarding the length of deployment can cause problems when the length is altered,” said Jerry Clark, the northern region liaison at the Chippewa Falls Family Assistance Center.  “A stop-loss order can definitely lead to more stress for a family.”

 The Wagener family faces uncertainties regarding their son’s future, which is a constant worry for the entire family.  Steve Wagener worries about the effect his son’s deployment has had on him and says he is concerned.

 “I worry for Nick’s physical well-being and try to stay as informed as possible, but I am also concerned about his psychological standpoint,” Wagener said.  “There is too much stress on a daily basis, and I worry about how he will react to witnessing cruelty in the future, as well as his perceptions of the government and authority in general.”

 Family Obligations    

 More than half of the active duty members in the U.S. military have family responsibilities, according to the Department of Defense Manpower Data Center.  The proportion of active duty members without a spouse or children is decreasing and regardless of how young a child is, being separated from a parent has an influence on them.

 “Younger children tend to act out and are more likely to become angry or even be slower in potty training,” said Sherry Hay-Hodgson, a licensed professional counselor at the Luther Hospital Behavioral Health Clinic in Eau Claire.  “In most cases, the father is the one who is absent and a child can develop an attachment to their mother, which besides fearing for their father’s safety, leads to the fear that something will happen to mom.”

 More than half of the children of active duty members are less than 7 years of age with nearly 40 percent of those children being 5 years or younger, according to the Department of Defense Manpower Data Center.  At this age the children have not entered school and require the care and attention of a parent.  The wives and children of those called to duty must cope with the intricacies of military life.

 Christmas is approaching and looks to be a difficult time for Regan Beck.  Her husband Jeff is in Afghanistan. He joined the Army Reserves seven years ago for the school benefits.  He was called to duty in September 2003 and sent overseas in May 2004 leaving behind his wife and Ethan, his five-year-old stepson.

 “The holidays are going to be hard not having him around,” Beck said.  “It is hard raising Ethan alone.”

 Children face having to adjust to being raised in a single-parent household that can affect them in different ways.  Age is a determining factor in how a child deals with the issues presented to them.

 “When the father is absent, children younger than 12 have a hard time expressing themselves and as they get older they may make wrong choices that are out of character,” Hay-Hodgson said.

 Soldiers are allotted 30 days of military leave each year, an amount that equates to roughly 13 days at home allowing them an opportunity to see their families.  When a soldier comes home on leave it is beneficial to be able to see his family again, but it also forces people to have to say goodbye multiple times and deal with being separated once again.

 Officials say that coming home for leave can cause stress from having to say goodbye, but a family may also feel neglected if a soldier doesn’t come home.

 “It will be harder to say goodbye the next time James leaves,” Stockdill said.  “If it weren’t for the kids, I probably wouldn’t want him to come home at all.”

 The U.S. Census Bureau projects that nearly 50 percent of first marriages will end in divorce and roughly the same rate for marriages with at least one spouse in the military.  Experts see no obvious discrepancies between civilian divorce numbers and those involving at least one member of the Armed Forces, but some of the causes of divorce are issues that military spouses will likely have to overcome.

 In a study conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics, those surveyed reported poor communication, financial problems, failed expectations and change of priorities as the most common reasons for filing for divorce.

 “If a marriage has cracks and a spouse gets called away on military duty, the flood gates can open,” Hay-Hodgson said.

 While on active duty, a soldier may not be able to communicate with his family as often as civilians do and spouses are not always able to talk with each other as consistently as they might like.  Communications aren’t readily available at times, and when they are, there is no guarantee that they will be useful.

 “There are no computers where Jeff is so the only way we can communicate is through letters,” Beck said.  “There have been times when he had to wait in line for two hours to use a phone and then was not even able to get through to me.”

Financial Concerns and Solutions

 Despite leaving home, soldier’s families must continue to have income provided for them.  The majority of the military is made up of men, and the wage earnings of women with a husband in the military as compared to those with civilian husbands can be significantly less, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

  “Those that are called to duty out of the Army Reserves or National Guard face the possibility of a decrease in the amount of income they would be able to make depending on the type of job that they have,” Clark said.  “Self-employed people have the potential to lose the most depending on rank.”

 The Census Bureau also reports that there is less probability of a military wife having earnings depending on how much the husband makes, and the need for her to work.  It is also evident however, that some families are better off financially because of the earnings received from the military.

 Job opportunities for military spouses can be limited because of the frequent moves. 

“It is harder for me to get a job because we move so much and are only in each place for a few years at a time,” Stockdill said.  “We are good financially, but I am worried how our kids are going to handle the next move.”

The military attempts to ease the burden that families endure by providing generous educational and insurance opportunities.  Financial concerns also are addressed by making the earnings soldiers accumulate while away from home accessible to spouses, using an account where funds are directly deposited.

Military families also are eligible for financial help from the government through programs designed specially for them.  Family Separation Allowance (FSA) is payable to members of the military with dependants if they are forced to be away for longer than 30 days as a result of military orders, according to the U.S. Department of Defense.  Payments under this plan can be as much as $225 per month.

The nature of the work done by soldiers is recognized by the government, which offers pay and compensation to those who are exposed to dangerous conditions.  Soldiers and their families can receive an additional $150 per month for combat pay if a soldier is involved in combat, according to the U.S. Department of Defense.  The government also offers a tax-free $12,000 benefit to the survivors of deceased Armed Forces members.

 Counseling programs, support groups and other projects are provided to the families that either need them or choose to take part in.  Luther Hospital offers the “Families Cope” support group that offers families a chance to visit with professionals and other people in similar situations about the issues they are facing. 

 Family Assistance Centers around the country provide help for families by assisting in home repairs and raising funds for essential goods and services.  These centers are also used to send care packages to soldiers as well as provide meals and festivities for their families during holidays.

 Despite programs and benefits provided by various organizations and the government, life goes on for those whom soldiers leave behind.  Sometimes it is the little things that are missed the most. 

 “Work helps take my mind off Jeff and I go to the gym a lot more now,” Beck said.  “I try to stay busy, but it is really lonely at night when my son goes to bed, because it is so quiet and there is nobody to talk to.”