Letting Go Without Losing Touch
Maintaining the relationship bonds after graduation
By Jessica Schiff

Wherever the road leads you, the telephone, e-mail, and letters can help you keep your relationships intact.	Photo by Kylene Vessel

When Christie Berkseth graduated and set off for her first year of college at the University of Minnesota (U of M), she was brimming with excitement. She was moving out of the house into a big city, and moving forward to the beginning of the next phase of her life—on her own.

What Berkseth and other high school graduates often don’t understand is how moving away from home affects close relationships.

Now a senior at the U of M, Berkseth says relationships are one of the top three things that changed when she moved away from home.

The transition from dependence to independence was challenging but ultimately rewarding. Overcoming homesickness and transitioning to more mature relationships were life-changing events for Berkseth.

Relationships after high school can be tricky. In fact relationship are one of the top six problems college students encounter, according to evidence from a Kansas State University study of undergraduates, “Changes in Counseling Center Client Problems Across 13 Years.”

But moving out doesn’t have to be the end. A closer look at three major relationship scenarios may help you maintain and create new healthy, lasting bonds with the people who mean the most to you.

Scenario 1: Moving out will damage my relationship with my family.

When Whitney Zehm’s older sister moved away to college, the dynamics of the family changed. Zehm said the adjustment in the relationship between her sister and her parents was a big transition for the whole family.

Because of past experience, Zehm, an eighteen-year-old senior from Spooner High School in Spooner, Wisconsin, said she thinks her relationship with her parents will change when she moves out next year, too.

Because her relationship with her parents is strong, and she prepared herself for being away from home by getting involved in programs such as Upward Bound.

Upward Bound is a summer program held on college campuses for high school students to help them learn about the transition from high school to college and being away from home in general, she said.

Teens aren’t the only ones to wonder about the family dynamic. Parents also question what life after kids will be like.

According to the American Psychological Association, a majority of parents experience what is called “empty nest syndrome.” The term came about in the 1970s, and is “the depression, loss of purpose and crisis of identity that parents, especially mothers, supposedly feel when their children leave home.” Psychologist Karen L. Fingerman, PhD, wrote in an article in APA’s “Monitor on Psychology” that when students leave home, they worry about their parents and how their parents are getting along without them around. Fingerman said most students want to believe that their parents are sad and upset now that they are gone. But, that’s not what her research shows.

Fingerman’s research revealed quite the opposite. Researchers discovered that it is true parents tend to experience a change in their lives when their child leaves home. But, they also discovered that such a transition provides new opportunity for “increased satisfaction and improved relationships” for parents.

When parents see their children transitioning and moving toward successful adulthood, they are filled with joy and pride, Fingerman’s research suggests.

Although sometimes your old friends and family might seem far away, they're only a phone call away.	Photo by Kylene Vessel

While everyone is different, Berkseth said her relationship with her parents did improve, which is consistent with further findings in Fingerman’s research that such parent-child relationships will improve when children leave home.

“When I moved out, I lived two and a half hours away, so now when I come home to visit, my parents seem to appreciate seeing me more,” Berkseth said. “They miss me but are happy that I am experiencing life.”

Berkseth said her relationship with her parents transitioned from a parent-child relationship to more of a friend-friend relationship, and it’s only getting better. She and her parents e-mail often and talk on the phone at least weekly to stay in touch.

Sarra Beckham-Chasnoff, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Minnesota who works for University Counseling and Consulting Services, said the next step after high school can be challenging because parents want to see their children as grown-ups, while children sometimes want their parents to still be there for them when they have questions and problems.

Research leans toward the idea that lasting relationships start before graduation and evolve and endure the transitions and changes that go along with graduation. Berkseth agreed.

Scenario 2: What about my boyfriend/girlfriend?

Significant others. What happens to those relationships after high school?

Twenty-two-year-old Dale Vreeland said relationships in high school are much different than after high school. He said that when people begin this new phase in life, they tend to mature more.

After graduation, Vreeland joined the Air Force. He left behind his girlfriend, Berkseth, in Minneapolis where she had started college. The couple started dating their junior year of high school. They began a long-distance relationship filled with hand-written letters, e-mails, and Internet chatting until Vreeland finished his basic training.

While the couple was still in high school, they talked often about their future. Vreeland said that the two were really serious about being together long-term, even if it meant long-distance. Communication was vital to their relationship, and both worked hard at keeping in touch. It wasn’t easy though.

Thinking back, Vreeland said that, “proximity wins without a doubt. Long-distance is tough. You’ve got to make it work not just because you’re scared.”

Despite Berkseth joining ROTC as a way to keep a common military bond between them, eventually, the long-distance issue was more than the couple was willing to handle, and they went their separate ways.

Both said it was an experience that taught them about themselves and made them mature a lot. Vreeland said he was happy that he tried the long-distance relationship, but he is also content that he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. Berkseth said she learned how to balance a boyfriend and school because expectations are different after high school.

Visiting old friends at other colleges is a great way to keep in touch and meet new people!	Photo by Kylene Vessel

The two had similar suggestions for future high school graduates in a similar situation. Both said that the comfort of knowing they had someone who loved them made life easier. In contrast to that, Berkseth said she thinks she missed out on part of the college experience because she had a boyfriend and wasn’t forced to make new friends.

Vreeland suggested that high school students wrap up the relationship before graduation but stay friends. He said there are so many people out there to meet, that it can be really exciting to be on your own.

Does that mean you should break up with your high school sweetheart the day before graduation?

Well, no, not necessarily.

But, you might want to take time to talk with them and discuss what you each want out of life.

Counseling Services at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire has created guides for students and others who may have questions about their relationships. One guide, “Handling Common Relationship Problems,” said, “Change of any sort tends to be at least a little stressful, yet because it is inevitable, welcoming change as an opportunity to enhance the relationship is more fruitful than trying to keep change from happening.”

What it all comes down to is that no relationship in this transition phase will encounter the same issues, but couples should be aware of the difficulties they may face.

Beckham-Chasnoff said that long-distance is a big stressor and couples need to figure out how to put energy into the relationship. She said good communication is necessary to keeping a relationship in tact.

Scenario 3: Will we stay friends forever?

Remember to keep in touch with your new friends, too—eating lunch together is a great way to catch up	Photo by Kylene Vessel

Therese Jacobsen, a sixteen-year-old from Camp Douglas, Wisconsin, said she’s worried about losing touch with friends when she graduates and everyone goes their separate ways.

“They’ll probably all go to different colleges and stuff, so I’m worried about not spending enough time together at college after we graduate (from high school),” she said.

It was perhaps a bittersweet learning experience, but Berkseth said she learned who her true friends were when she left home. The challenges of keeping in touch, experiencing new things separately, and discovering new opportunities meant that her friendships matured at different rates. She said she lost touch with some friends but grew closer to others.

Jacobsen said she expects to meet a lot of new friends after high school. She said that she sees an advantage to moving away from her small hometown.

“I see myself coming out of my shell,” Jacobsen said, referring to her somewhat shy personality.

In addition, Jacobsen said she and her friends talk often about the future. She thinks the best ways to keep in touch with her friends will be to spend as much time as possible with them before graduation. She said she will use the Internet for e-mailing and chatting, and plans to call friends often once she moves away.

For now, Jacobsen is home-schooled and will attend high school next fall. She expects this might change some of her views on graduation and how things will evolve, especially with her friends. Looking ahead to attending New Lisbon High School, and opportunities to meet people after graduation, Jacobsen said she not only wants to meet lots of new people, but she wants to form lasting relationships.

Building lasting relationships is important not only to one’s social life, but a study published in the APA’s “Monitor on Psychology,” on loneliness in 2000 and 2001 indicates that loneliness also can affect your health.

The study, coordinated by Sarah Pressman and health psychologist Sheldon Cohen, PhD, in conjunction with scientists at Carnegie Mellon University’s Laboratory for the Study of Stress, Immunity and Disease, determined that your social network is related to the strength of your immune system. Pressman said in the article, “Often, a few quality relationships are enough to alleviate loneliness.”

The study suggests ways to ease loneliness and make new friends. Some ideas are to join sports organizations, student clubs, or volunteer groups. What it boils down to is that whether you keep in touch with all of your friends, or just a few, the stronger the relationships, the healthier you may be overall.

Not a bad excuse to meet some great new people and keep yourself and your relationships healthy!

Relationships are a core aspect of life, whether in high school or elsewhere. Not only do family members offer comfort and support, significant others constancy, and friends healthy social experiences, but they help you live life to the fullest. In the end, it comes down to the effort you put in and the strong bonds you create through regular communication with your family, significant others, and friends.