I had it all my sophomore year of high school. I was class president, ran varsity in track and field, and performed as first chair clarinet in band. I was a member of the National Honor Society, was well-known in my community as a volunteer, and my boyfriend was the star player of the basketball team.

You name it, I had it.

At least that’s what I wanted everyone to believe.

On the inside, I felt depressed, lonely, and exhausted. At school I had friends from all sorts of cliques, but never a best friend I could confide in. After the long days of classes, practices, and meetings, I would come home, eat dinner, and immediately fall asleep at the kitchen table with my forehead pressed against my algebra homework.

The Leonard Family;  Karey, at age 17 (far right)	Submitted Photo

Perfectionism is not a pleasant quality. My fear of letting people down drove me to say, ‘Yes,’ to anything and everyone, even when I didn’t want to. I gave 110 percent in every project or activity. Anything below an ‘A’ ruined my day, and if I had a less-than-outstanding performance in sports or band, I’d find a place to hide so no one could hear me cry.

This thirst for perfection led to my obsession with diet and exercise. If I couldn’t be always perfect in my performance, then I thought I should be perfect in my appearance.

In my quest to improve myself, losing weight came to my mind first. After all, one can never be too skinny, right? So, I increased my exercise routine, made sure I ate healthily, and at home decreased my usual portion sizes. I also created a strict list of “off limits” sweets, and began packing a lunch for school so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat the “greasy” cafeteria food.

Though I have a petite build, when I looked in the mirror I only saw what I hated about my body. Negative thoughts surrounded me constantly. I compared myself daily to other girls at school, secretly hoping to become the thinnest of them all.

I began falling asleep in my classes. Staying up late to exercise took a toll on my school work, and my stamina in track began to decline because I wasn’t eating enough to keep up my energy. My moody attitude at home often caused disagreements between my parents and me, and I started spending more time at my boyfriend’s house to avoid them.

In the summer before my junior year in high school, my path to perfection took me down a dark alley I didn’t see coming. Home alone one afternoon, I remembered I had eaten something from my “off limits” food list, and I felt physically sick…and fat.

That was the first time I made myself throw up.

No one plans to have an eating disorder. For me, the bulimia began when I set unrealistic goals. My priorities shifted from doing my best, to being the best at any price—even if it hurt me.

Little did I know that my choice to control my weight would lead me to a deeper state of depression. I was lying to my family and friends, visiting counselors and doctors, and gaining an addiction that would have a death grip on my soul for more than three years.

I felt trapped.

Karey with her friends, at age 22 (bottom right)	Submitted Photo

And if you feel the same, you’re not alone. According to the U.S. National Institute of Mental Health, one out of every one hundred young women ten to twenty years old is starving themselves, and four out of every one hundred college-aged women have bulimia.

Recently, I spoke with Erica Noelle Dodde, the University of Michigan’s health education program coordinator, about the signs of an eating disorder, and what to do when someone needs help. She has a master’s degree in social work and did a yearlong internship in a psychiatric hospital with eating disorder inpatients.

Dodde said that the typical stereotypes associated with an eating disorder are not always exclusive to someone who is underweight.

“The (signs) can be different for different people,” Dodde said. “Many people with an eating disorder are actually at a ‘normal’ weight.”

Dodde said that if you or someone you know may have an eating disorder, one of the first things to do is to ask for help. Talking with friends or relatives, visiting a high school counselor, and doing some research about the eating disorder yourself can bring you some understanding of the issue, Dodde said.

“It’s okay to be concerned about yourself,” she said.

In my case, my eating disorder packed its bags and followed me to college, despite the support from my family and visits to therapists during high school. Again, I managed to make my life seem normal on the outside, but inside I craved for a normal life and to be free from an addiction I feared I would never escape. My efforts to control food, and my physical appearance, made me feel hopeless and unlovable.

Hope came through new friends and a newfound faith.

In my freshman year of college I made some of the best friends of my life. Through their genuine love and care I felt like I could trust them, and slowly began to turn to them for encouragement in my struggle with food and body image.

I also found a new counselor my freshman year, someone who further helped me identify the root as to how and why my eating disorder developed. He also showed me my need to be content with my personal identity.

With professional help, support from friends, and renewed trust in God, I slowly started experiencing healing from the inside out.

Freedom from something so self-destructive is one of the greatest gifts of my life. But, others are not so lucky.

According to the Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders, Inc., Web site, up to twenty percent of people with serious eating disorders will die if not treated.

The recovery process can be long and difficult, but it’s not impossible.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, a scholar of the American transcendental movement in literature once said, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”