Complex Thoughts

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is…

A personal technique developed with practice
Tactfully being your real self
Open and honest statements
Describing specific behaviors
Not backing down
Not name-calling
Security through honesty
Standing up for yourself in a creative way
Being able to label your feelings
Showing sensitivity to others
Breaking down your own and others’ defenses
Acknowledging your weaknesses but relying on your strengths
Dealing with conflict
A two-way communication process
Following through on a decision to deal with a person or situation
Not aggressive or threatening
Both verbal and non-verbal

NON-ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR
Failing to stand up for one’s rights, either by failing to express feelings or preferences or by allowing another person to infringe upon one’s rights.

ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR
Standing up for one’s rights by expressing one’s thoughts and feelings in a direct, honest and appropriate fashion without denying the rights of others.

AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR Standing up for one’s rights in such a way that violates the rights of others or demeans the other person.

LEVELS OF ASSERTION

Simple	Simple, uncomplicated statement of what you want. “I’d rather go out to eat than cook tonight.”
Empathic	Includes a statement about the other’s situation. “I know you’re busy, but I need to talk with you.”
Confrontive	Points out discrepancies in the other’s behavior. “We agreed to study, but you went to play basketball.”
Soft	Expresses positive sentiment without embarrassment. “I really appreciate what you’re doing.”
Anger	Constructive expression of anger against a person’s actions. “I get angry when you borrow my clothes without asking because then I can’t wear them when I want to. I would rather you ask before you borrow them. ” Model: “I … [describe feelings, reactions] when you… [describe behavior], because then… [describe effect]. I would rather you… [give alternative behavior].

A BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.
You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
You have the right to change your mind.
You have the right to make mistakes — and be responsible for them.
You have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.
You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”
You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

ASSERTIVENESS IS A SKILL THAT IS DEVELOPED WITH PRACTICE

Demonstrate assertive body language, including direct eye contact, erect body posture, and clear and audible speech. Use gestures and facial expressions for emphasis.
Use descriptive, not labeling words to point out the behavior of others. “You have been borrowing my clothes without my permission,” rather than “You clothes stealer.”
Express your feelings and experiences caused by the behavior. “I feel angry when you wear my clothes without asking me because I can’t wear they when I want to.”
Give an alternative behavior. “I would like for you to ask me before you borrow my clothes.”
Each situation is unique. Ask yourself, “What would I like to happen? How possible is this goal? What rights does the other person have in this situation? What obstacles are there to the person making the behavior change? Am I comfortable with my rights to deal with this situation assertively?”

Adapted from Cougar Clues, University of Minnesota–Morris, and Thundar Bolts, North Dakota State University.